Monday, December 30, 2013

Dear Me

dear me one year from now,

well here you are. it's almost the end of 2013 and you're sitting in your little apartment watching the rain fall in florida. you're having one of those "i can't believe i live in florida moments" and watching law and order svu. typical sunday. can you believe it one year from now? i hope you come back, on december 30th of 2014 and read this letter. maybe you'll laugh, maybe you'll cry.

dear me one year from now, i hope you get your confidence back. i hope you do it by becoming the best you that you can be. i hope you it's not all "talk" this year. run like you're flying. go to the gym to get strong not skinny. i hope you finally tried cross fit and hot yoga and PR'd a half marathon. i hope you do even more than that and when you look in the mirror you smile and say "man, this is who i wanted to be". i hope you got healthy in every way possible. do it and don't give up. i hope you finally feel beautiful.

dear me one year from now, i hope you joined every little thing at work. every club, every volunteer event, every meeting. i hope you stayed positive, focused and determined. and i hope right now you have an idea, a contact and a dream of where your next move will be, and i hope you go for it. i hope every single day you still look at the sky and think "i can't believe i work for the walt disney company".

dear me one year from now, i hope you find your light again. i hope when you smile it is from the heart and you mean it. i hope you laugh from your gut, find new music, dance at concerts and find peace in new friends. go out there and make friends that are as close as family and lovers that kiss you deep. don't hole up in your apartment because it is safe and secure. i hope you ventured out and i hope you were brave.

dear me, your heart was broken. pretty bad, huh? i hope where you are now it doesn't sting anymore. i hope when your breathe in deep it doesn't feel like there are holes any more. i hope you finally have peace and comfort and closure. and i hope you finally realize it wasn't you at all.

and , if you're with someone again. i hope you are surrounded in love and trust. i hope he laughs as hard as you do, has nothing reserved and you know deep inside he means as well as you do. i hope he loves scooby and benny and gus, smiles as big as you do when you talk about your nieces and knows the happiness of eating popcorn and watching the fireworks on main st. and if he's not all of those things, move on. you don't deserve another minute of just average and you deserve someone who is the one.

dear me,

make peace with your past so it won't disturb your present.

what other people think of you is none of your business.

time heals everything, so give it time.

no one is in charge of your happiness, except you.

don't compare your life to others, you have no idea what their journey is about.

stop thinking so much, it's alright to not know the answers, they will come when you least expect it.

smile. you don't own all the problems in the world.

to 2014.

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Tuesday, December 10, 2013

It Isn't Easy, But It's Beautiful

greetings from florida!

i know, i know. it's been awhile. but so much has happened since before thanksgiving that has taken its tole on me physically and emotionally that i just needed a break. from life. i actually wrote a woe is me post. a omg, my thanksgiving was ruined post. a scooby's vet is so expensive post. a oh help me post, a oh my gosh it is still so hard post. a why is it still so hard?? post.

then deleted it. all of it.

suffice to say, since then, it has been a struggle. but reading the post, it was just more of a struggle. so i deleted it all. and decided to just focus on some photos that have made me smile so much. and i decided to list the things i'm thankful for, albeit almost two weeks late. (better late than never?!)

my niece looks like the grudge scary movie in this pic, sorry in advance.

^this one makes me tear up for some reason. 

i am thankful for christmas sugar cookies with vanilla frosting.
i'm thankful every night at 9pm i hear the fireworks from the magic kingdom.
i'm thankful still, to this day, i play the song on my iphone to go along with the booms.
i'm thankful for my pink tree even though it leans and is a little broken.
i'm thankful for my job, my most amazing job, working for the most amazing company in the world.
i'm thankful for my parents who took care of me over thanksgiving, got me out of the house, and always try to make me laugh.
i'm thankful for christmas movies on abc's 25 days of christmas.
i'm thankful for epcot, and its wonderful treats and wonderful drinks.
i'm thankful for the the new gym i found, giving me hope of getting in shape again.
i'm so thankful for all of you!
i'm thankful brooke lyn and adriana and tami send me snapchats and cheer my days up.
i'm thankful for all the friends, both close and that i've barely met that give me kind words and cheer through this crazy time.
i'm thankful for a good red wine.
i'm thankful for my new kickball team and the laughs they bring.
i'm thankful for my wonderful apartment in the nicest little neighborhood full of paths for walking and palm trees and gorgeous lakes.
i'm thankful for long walks with scooby in the morning and at night where i talk with him and tell him stories and he looks back as he walks as if he really is listening and loves it.
i'm thankful i have to drive past space mountain to get home.
i'm thankful for the nights curled up with scooby in bed and the way he snores and curls up closer to me when he's having a bad dream.
i'm thankful i had the balls to make this move and continue to try and make the best of it every day.

i'll leave you with some food for thought.

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Thursday, November 21, 2013

Am I Overreacting?

hey sweets!

first. can you check out adriana's awesome birthday giveaway? i didn't get back to her in time to sponsor it because of cray life lately and i should have because i love her to bits and it's the cutest. i love her guys. please check it out!

second these:

are you guys getting bored of the disney stuff yet? i keep debating back and forth whether to include all these photos, but then i think, who WOULDN'T want to see an ice castle? but you let me know.

okay here's the story.

so remember how much i loved scooby's daycare back in north carolina? well, i found one here in florida. i absolutely didn't love it as much as the one in nc, which i felt was like family, but it was clean, seemed safe and secure, had a great play area, and it is 3 minutes from work. so i enrolled scooby. to enroll in daycamp is a process. there is an interview with me, an interview with him, a temperament test and then a free "introduction" day. he of course passed all of these with flying colors because, although he is struggling on interacting with human strangers right now, he was raised in a foster pack and is amazing with other dogs.

so anyway, today i'm having my peppermint tea and i pull up the webcam at his daycare. i tend to check it a handful of times during the day for peace of mind. so i check it... and scooby is locked in a cage jumping and upset while he watches the other animals play.

i can't.

so, i think, well maybe something happened and he'll be back quick. i force myself to turn off the webcam and check it 30 mins later. he's still in there.

alright, i'm pissed. so i call.

they don't pick up.

now, i'm legit not working because i'm like oh my god, what is going on.

finally someone calls back and said that the counselor running the camp for the morning session said that scooby was owed "three time outs" because he was play biting another dog's legs.


they're DOGS.

you know, if i start gnawing on my coworker's legs, i hope i get a write up, but this is a dog.

so i say, how long are these time outs?

an hour each.


ex-squeeze me? baking powder.

i forced myself to smile, say ok, and hang up.

because listen, at that point if i was an idiot, that camp counselor probably would have beat him.

so i obsess watch. and the afternoon counselor comes in, the one who was with him on his intro day. and he does great. no time outs, they're outside. i'm feeling better.

then i pick him up.

and the morning counselor sends him home with a "bad report card".

what. the... THIS DOG?

oh you mean the dog that has laid by my side every single night through all this crap? the dog that comes with me to every store, the dog that endures long car rides, longer days, and my tears?

i. hate. you. morning. counselor.

so now i don't know what to do? am i overreacting? scooby loves camp, and i need camp to make sure he's happy and tired because of work and long hours and being by myself here without anyone to help me let him out, etc. THANKS EX MANFRIEND. not to mention, i really feel like it was just this lady judging his play beecause he did awesome all afternoon with the other girl.

ugh. i'm so livid. i'm not sure what to do. keep in mind there are NO other workable options for daycamp.

what do you guys think?

love, cujo's mom.

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Tuesday, November 19, 2013

There Are Some Small Moments

have you guys ever experienced one of those moments, really small, but for some reason they hit you like a ton of bricks? sometimes you think it will be the biggest things that stand out, but in reality, i think it is the little ones, the way the moon looks, the way a wine tastes, the way a laugh sounds, that resonate in our hearts and minds and blow us away with the feelings they bring.

i was sitting by the copier waiting for something to fax staring out the window when one of these moments hit me. i was drifting away listening to the copier beep and just staring at downtown disney in front of me. i knew my mind was wandering, and more often than not, to a negative place and for some reason i just allow this. but as i stared i started to notice the littlest things. the way the clouds were so big and fluffy and moving so fast and the way they were you could just tell it was a warm day for some reason. the way the fire exploded in the most hideous kitschy way from the t-rex restaurant. the characters in flight balloon was high in the air overlooking saratoga springs resort. the christmas garland was everywhere and i swear, if i listened close, i could hear the christmas music playing. i watched the busses pull in and out and the people get off and run towards their destination. and it hit me.

i can't believe i work here.

i can't believe i work in this place.

and i can't believe i'm not much more thankful for this.

i know life isn't a 0 to 100% situation. and i know you can't just force yourself into happiness. it's a process to learn, and grow and love. but sometimes it's these little moments that make you think, you know, i think i'm going to speed up to get to that happiness party just a little bit sooner. sometimes we look at the big picture way too often and it overwhelms us and doesn't allow us to see the little joys out there. in fact, i'm having one right now as i sit here, in the coziest little living room i made, with scooby at my feet, a christmas story on tv and my little pink tree glowing in the corner lighting the room so i can blog. it's one of those, wow, i can't believe i made this life moments.

and i'm thankful for that.

i've gotten so many amazing comments, love and support over the past few weeks but by far my favorites are those of you who have reached out to me in confidence and told me that i'm an inspiration to you. that you are also going through a hard time, a move, a breakup, and my honesty and feelings help your day and make you feel like it's okay to feel them too.

i just want to hug everyone, ever, that has ever felt lost and alone.

but just realize this.

life is too short not to notice the little moments.

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Monday, November 18, 2013

I Stayed Home

man, you know what isn't fun? wanting something with like every ounce of your being and then listening to that tiny, tiny part of you that says not to do it instead.

you all are awesome. i woke up this weekend and seriously almost left the house to go back to NC but then i read all your amazing comments over and over.

and i stayed home.

and you know? now i know it was the right choice. and i actually had an amazing weekend. and for one of the first times, i'm excited about florida.

friday night i had kickball. we didn't beat off constantly. (the other team's name was off constantly and i'm still laughing).

then josh texted "hey want to go to the pub". i sure do. i'm still convinced he just kept me out late so i couldn't leave for NC early saturday am.

saturday something amazing happened. i just slept in and then lounged around. my sweet baby jesus it has been awhile. saturday i then had a late lunch with friends.

then ran to have champs (champagne, get with it) with an amazing girl at the wilderness lodge. then i skipped over and had an amazing late dinner with these lovely boys.

sunday funday was amazing. some new friends invited me for brunch. and brunch we did. at a place that served bottomless mimosas if you bought an entree.

read that again.

i had eight mimosas and my bill was $9.

i love you orlando.

then i put up my tree for some cheer for scooby's first christmas.

what a weekend. i'm so glad i stayed home. i'm so happy that things may be falling a little into place here. i'm SO in need of getting to the gym again so i bought a crossfit groupon. (true story).

how was your weekend? (linking up with sami)

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Friday, November 15, 2013

Asking for Advice: On Running Home

i feel like at this point i'm a once a week blogger. and that's fine. i've admitted it and i'm trying and i think i'll be better when i can just grasp life down here in orlando. at this point i'm like scooby trying to catch my tail. i catch it a little, then just fall over myself and start over again.

so what's been going on? a lot actually.

christmas arrived at disney. don't hate. look at this.

my good friend josh and i had the amazing opportunity of seeing and meeting frank turner. have you listened to his stuff? you should. download plain sailing weather right now. or spotify it. just come on. it's my breakup song. and i drunkenly told frank this when we met him. but that's neither here nor there.

i look really weird in that picture.

i look cuter here.

in my final news. scooby sleeps on my bed now.

it's fine.

the dog seriously cuddles me all night and it makes me cry because it is just what i need at the end of every day and i don't care i'm one of those people that sleeps with my dog now. i don't care.

so now to ask for some advice.

i want to go home this weekend. i know. i can't help it. this is my first weekend with no visitors, and i don't want to be here and i just want to go home and see my nieces and go to this huge party that my friends in north carolina are having (that i pretty much had the idea for it's fine) and i just want to so bad my heart hurts. it hurts.

there's some negatives obviously.

1. i need to get over it and learn to live here.
2. the cost of gas.
3. 8 hours each way for one night is kind of cray.
4. the stress on scooby.
100. i'll probably see (ex) manfriend

there's some positives.

1. i get to see my baby nieces.
2. i see all my friends.
3. i see my parents and get homecooked food and love.
4. i don't have to be here.
5. i won't spend the whole weekend crying.

i'm so torn. everything in my whole heart and body wants to just go home and keeps thinking--it isn't that big of a deal, that's the best thing about only being 8 hours away you can do this, scooby will get to see his cousin lucy, etc. etc. etc.

then there's that tiny tiny part of my head that thinks... don't do this katie. it is going to be a major setback. this is your home now and as much as you think seeing (ex) manfriend will bring some sort of peace all it is going to do is rock your pain back like a fast and furious movie.

but... i want to go.

what should i do?
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Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Stranded at the Drive In, Branded a Fool

the title of my post has absolutely nothing to do with anything but if you know where it is from, kudos and i love you.

well here i am. it's a little hard for me to blog every day right now, things are crazy, and i'm hugely impacted that i don't want to blog every morning from work with my coffee like i used to.


it's about 6:50 in the morning here. my dad just left. this will mark the first day that i'm actually here by myself. my mom came down with me, left, and then my dad came down.

i'm having a huge effing slight panic attack.

today also marks exactly two weeks that i have lived in florida. fourteen days. 336 hours.

i hate it so far.

i know you're probably thinking, jeeze, you need to learn to live in your apartment alone, you weirdo. let's get on with things. but, one step at a time please. i've never struggled more in my life than i am right now, and your stories, words of support and wisdom are something i read over and over again when i'm feeling a bad swing come along.

on the positive. this is my dream job. if there is any light at the end of the tunnel it is that i know i want to make this work because every single day i still pinch myself that i get to work for one of the things i love most in the world.

^my work. it's fine.

so what's been going on?

well, a lot of mornings i can't sleep so i watch this.

sunrises are so pretty here. i watch them with this guy.

sorry for the snot..

he had a little birthday recently.

my mom and dad had wonderful times here. i think they love florida more than me.

and our first halloween involved fireworks and superheros.

but most importantly, of all it..

i saw hanson.

last but not least, i spoiled myself with this baby. do you like it?

so that's whats been going on here in florida. what's been going on with you?

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