Tuesday, October 29, 2013

The Move, Living in Florida, the Farmer's Market and My First Day at Disney

i'm back. so sorry for consistently sucking at blogging. but the move, the fact i had no internet and blogging from my iphone is worse than I-4 traffic in orlando, and the fact this move has been harder than heck, should be a good reason. but now i'm settled, bags are unpacked and it is time to start this life here in central florida. let's rewind this like we fell asleep while watching something we DVR'd and now we have to go back just a bit..

leaving north carolina was probably the hardest thing i've ever done. it was a weekend of goodbyes and my eyes and head hurt from sobbing. not to mention i was sleeping in my empty house, on a crappy aerobed and i couldn't take how much my heart hurt. i felt like i had no home in florida, and not really one in north carolina anymore. it was like one of those gypsy TLC shows except i wasn't getting married at 15 and moving into a trailer.

but the fact is, when my niece hugged me goodbye i almost backed out of the whole thing and that's the truth. 

it was cold and 5am when i pulled out of my parent's driveway, my car packed to the brim and a scooby in back. when my dad teared up, my heart broke. but he said he was excited for me, and he meant it. pitch black, freezing and crying so hard i could not see, i drove away from everything i called home. no, it wasn't where i was born and raised in detroit, but it was where my parents were, my friends were, my nieces and brother and sister in law were, and damn it hurt. i think i finally stopped crying in georgia. six hours later.


when i got to my apartment here in florida, things took a turn for the worse. i opened the door to find a disaster. the carpets were stained so bad it looked like a yeti lived there previously, the sink was flooded and no outlets were working. thank god my mom had caravan'd down with me to help get me settled because she held me together i swear. it seems small now, and maybe you reading it seems whiney, but after a 9 hour drive, the hurt of leaving, and everything else, all i wanted was a nice place to get to.

and it wasn't. 

but i was there and as much as i wanted to close my eyes and land about four months ago on my comfy couch next to (ex) manfriend watching season 3 of downtown abbey that wasn't going to happen. so i did something stupid and tried to live like it was real, like my old life could just come back. i sat on those dirty carpets next to scooby and i looked at all the pictures i had on my phone of my "old life". and i sobbed and it got bad and i sat there staring at these pictures and his facebook like...pity party YOU'RE INVITED. 

omg, how am i here, i hate this, this isn't home, it's hot, how could he be over it? how could he just be effing partying and playing frisbee and having the time of his effing life while i'm sitting here on nasty carpets that are flooded in the dark crying?

and you know what? i decided right there that i had to stop. this wasn't going to be easy regardless but if i did this, i was going to drown in my own tears mixed with the flooded sink water.

and isn't that the truth? so i rolled up my sleeves, and i looked at my pup and i decided i had to try to make this home.

do you like it? to top it all off, the beautiful adriana sent me gifts to cheer me up. she actually did that guys. 

i can't.

after two days of unpacking, scrubbing, cleaning and organizing it was time to focus on this man.

he isn't taking the move well. i'll talk about it later. so to cheer him up, together we discovered a huge dog park in our community that no one uses. i've dubbed it scooby's yard and each day he goes to it (it's simply up the path) i see his spark come back.

one day we even visited the winter garden farmer's market together which is a huge craft fair and farmer's market in my town every saturday that kills me it is so cute and pet friendly. 

and most evenings we take a walk and i tell him all about how things could be worse and he tells me i'm projecting just to make myself feel better. it's fine.

and all of those evenings, i do have to admit, florida is kinda, sorta, beautiful.

and today i started my dream job and the whole day i honestly sat there in shock and near tears that finally, finally, i freaking did it. i made it. i work at disney.

so now what? well. it's time to get a routine together here. it's time to make a life. they say it takes a year to get settled in a place but i'm determined to cut that down a bit. because, honestly, you couldn't take me whining for a year and that's the truth.

so i started work, and now it's time to join a gym, and my new kickball team starts on friday. and it's time to smile, be content, and make a schedule. it's time to dive into work and be an all-star there! it's time to get fit and be happy with myself. it's time to make a bond with scooby even more than we already have, and do his next level of training and love him so much everyday. and it's time to say yes and make friends and smile even when it sucks and i just want to run to the comfort of my old life and friends. 

because life could have been easy, comfortable and okay. but i didn't take that route. and as much as i wish i was back home this weekend, with things to do, and comfort and ease, it makes me feel all the better i'm the person that said "okay" wasn't good enough.

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Thursday, October 17, 2013

Beers, Blogging From My Phone and Boxes

hey. i'm sitting here blogging from my phone which isn't easy but my internet is gone and i'm just way too disgusting looking to go to a hipster coffee shop and use their free wifi. i guess I could have waited until tomorrow morning to write this but I'm trying this "in the moment" thing and so here we go.  

i'm sitting on my comforter eating cajun mac and cheese out of an old tupperware container with a pink baskin robbins ice cream spoon. I'm crying. it's pathetic really. 

today they packed up everything i owned and sent it on a van to florida where i'm not even at yet. there was something about watching them pack up my memories here that tore my insides apart because i just felt all of a sudden i didn't get to say goodbye to them. 
i felt like i was telling the movers no wait that is when scooby lost his first tooth. no that is where (ex) manfriend and i danced and no those shoes are dirty from that last late night walk we had...  

the truth is change isn't easy but it is even worse when you're going into it scared and hurt and feeling like you can't. every day i get up i feel like i'm pep talking myself into this like a coach before a game. drawing plays out in my head to see how i can get the touchdown. it sucks to be making a major life change with no self esteem to do it and it sucks even worse that this major life change was supposed to be so happy and it isn't. 

suck it up you're so lucky and blessed and living your dream.

i know, trust me. these words sicken me the most. but they are true and what i'm feeling and i'm not going to lie. 

i know one day i'm going to feel like the luckiest happiest girl. i do. and that is why i'm pushing threw with this because i know it right enough that i will feel that way. i worked hard and dreamed and pushed and wouldn't stop until i got what i wanted.

i just got it at a price.

what if that recruiter never called. what if i never called back. would he be here, would i not have to leave my family, would i be carving pumpkins with my family drinking beers and smiling so hard my face hurts? would (ex) manfriend and i be baking christmas cookies and decorating the tree and celebrating our first christmas with our boy and would everything be perfect?  

the answer to that is yes dear blog although I appreciate you trying to tell me that it wouldn't be that way.

no the answer is definitely yes that is what would happen and the thought of that while sitting here looking at my baby boy scooby kills me more than you know.

but deep down somewhere now that i know what happened there is that truth that at some point it all would have come crashing down. and for some reason fate, god, something made it now. 

i'm trying to see it as a positive and a better way but it's hard. hard to move like this while struggling this bad and at this time of year when you are supposed to be surrounded by friends and family and love. christmas anyone? that's gonna suck.

and so this is my admission that today, as I saw them pack me, i wanted to say stop please and let's rewind and just go back to the world that made sense and was as comfortable as the first pair of leggings you throw on in the fall. stop please because i don't want to do this and i don't want to do this alone. 

but i didn't say stop. i signed the paperwork for my delivery next week in florida. and i hugged scooby and i said i hope to god this makes me as strong as people think i am.

see you in florida my dears. 

Monday, October 14, 2013

Florida Weather and Scoobert the Therapy Dog

first off can you believe that both me and tami are moving to florida?

i know exactly what you're thinking and the answer is yes. we have already contacted bravo regarding the reality show: "two hot blondes move to the sun".

speaking of. 

you know what is one of the things i'm most scared of?

f!cking florida weather y'all.

like. i'm from detroit. so even north carolina weather took a solid year to get used to.

so i can't imagine florida.

especially for me. who loves those fall days where you have to wear a sweater and boots and leggings and the leaves kind of make you slip.


so people are all like "katie it is almost like nc weather".

yeah, no, but i love when you guys lie to me to make me feel better and that's the truth.

exhibit a. orlando predicted weather for the last couple weeks of october.

oh good, humid hot and rainy.

here's my lovely town of greensboro, nc.

i honestly can't. i'm that depressed about it. 

do you guys have any ideas how to overcome the hottest state in the world?
 you know what i was thinking too? you haven't heard any scooby stories lately. well. can i just say that this man is everything. i'm not sure what happened to him since (ex) manfriend left but it is almost like he just "knows".  he goes to daycare every day with joy and without asking questions.

(no really.. ya look good scoobs..)

and even yesterday i was having a really, really bad morning and he came up to me and put his head on my lap like "b!tch get over it and let's get outside." so i poured myself a cup of coffee and went out with him on an amazing fall morning. 

and here's the most touching one.

the night (ex) manfriend walked out i was obviously a wreck. it was  one in the morning before i even stopped losing it enough to walk into the bedroom he had just packed all of his stuff out of. i went in there and sat on the bed and realized i didn't put scooby in his crate. as i went to call him in there he ran from me and just stood by my bed. he honestly has never done that before. in my state of mind that night i thought.. whatever dog. do what you want. and here's the thing that may make you cry just like i am as i type this.

that dog sat by my side the entire night. he never moved.

and every single night since, no matter what happens, he lays directly by my bed. and every time i start to toss and turn or cry he gets up and just comes and stands there with his head by mine. and when i'm done he lays back down right there.

he has never once moved, left the bedroom or done anything other than comfort me in almost a month.

that right there guys, is my boy.

happy monday you all. make sure to leave warm weather tips.
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Thursday, October 10, 2013

The Happiness Project

have you guys ever read the happiness project?

well in the midst of all the travel through these major life changes, i stumbled upon it in an airport on one of those lending program things (read it at one airport and drop it off at the next) and i grabbed it along with an overpriced starbucks.

$6 for a pumpkin spice latte? why.

 something about it peaked my interest since, i had mentioned that i'm actually feeling rather blue than sunny yellow even though i've been so blessed with my dream job.
while a lot of the book doesn't apply to me (kids, husband) it made me think about my own happiness as i tackle this move and adventure alone. it terrifies me. but after reading the book, i thought, what better time to start my own happiness project! i love how she simplifies happiness and so that is what i'm going to try to do. and probably add some wine to the mix. i wanted to keep things i could do specific so i knew if i was actually achieving my goal.

 1. happiness of the body. this one is pretty straight forward. i need to start taking better care of myself. i can't just lie on my couch eating canned soup that is slightly warm any more. (oh hey, what's up breakup behavior). i haven't worked out in weeks. snap out of it sister. 

-work out five days a week in some capacity
-train for the glass slipper challenge 
-run a jingle bell run by myself, for myself
-track my foods in my fitness pal
-try a yoga class
-take a vitamin everyday  

2. happiness of the mind. this one i equate to the sad and doubtful thoughts i'm having lately. you know the ones that take you over faster than miley's new album took over the US? and also not getting overwhelmed with all this change, which is hard for this type a weirdo (me).

- write something i didn't like about manfriend in my phone every time i want to think about him or contact him
-make a small to-do list every morning and finish it all each night to feel accomplished
 -take scooby to a next level of training class by myself  
-de-clutter my clothes, purses and shoes and donate everything i don't want to goodwill 
-save at least 300 a month (seems small, i know, but orlando is really pushing the budget) 

3. happiness of the heart.  this one is about friends and family to me and just making my heart light.

-facetime my family in north carolina once a week
-join one or two leagues to meet friends in florida
-start a TV series and stay in one night a week and watch it by myself (scandal anyone?)
-reach out to someone (or a group) once a week in florida to initiate plans
-go see a new site in my new town with scooby every time i start to dwell on being alone and review it here on the blog

 what do you guys think? what would be on your happiness project?      photo signature-27.png
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Tuesday, October 8, 2013

House Hunters Orlando

if you missed yesterday's post. seriously go here first because it is pretty imperative.

so wow, about that whole moving and new job thing.

first, thank you so much for your supportive comments. thank you so much. they cheered my heart yesterday and i was full of smiles.

second, many of you asked whether i'm keeping scooby or if (ex) manfriend took him.

(ex) manfriend ate the chilis take out i got him, watched breaking bad on our couch, and then came into the bedroom and said he was leaving us and packed and walked out at 11pm on a tuesday evening.

believe me, that doesn't warrant any right to this face.

(sorry about that eye booger he was really embarrassed i posted this) 

so i'm here in orlando for house hunters orlando and here's the first thing i want to admit.

you'd think there would be nothing negative about this right? dream job, fresh start, cool town. 

 well...either i'm just nancy negative or actually there is some ickiness. in fact. i'm having really hard emotions about this whole thing. i'm struggling kind of bad. you see, my life was perfectly comfortable and happy when this all happened. everything was fine. i lived near my family, my nieces and had fun friends and (ex) manfriend and i were the two happiest of people. then i got a call from the company. then all these things were set into motion that..

kind of made my life feel like it was falling apart rather than coming together.

i experienced the fear of leaving family and friends. leaving my cute little condo with affordable rent. and i unexpectedly faced the fear (terror) of doing this alone when i went in with the plan that i was doing it with someone.

this is hard. house hunters orlando made it harder.

first it was the amazing community, location i wanted to be in, but kind of dated apartment with the small living room. the area was perfect and filled with lakes and trails for me and scooby and it just felt homey.

then it was the new apartments that had it all but it was in tourist central and not in my favorite location. think, stuck between two crappy motels and a t-shirt shop.

and then of course there were these uber fancy apartments that i could never afford a two bedroom in and that were still under construction in phases so the community wasn't scooby friendly yet with no trails and pet runs. but look at the freaking apartment.

and then i found them. the apartments. perfection. the location i wanted, a great size, pet friendly and a great community with a lake scooby and i could prance around screaming about how we loved florida...

and i couldn't afford them.

and i broke down.

i'll be real. i cried. and i hated. and i regretted. and i rethought everything. because this blog is a passion of mine to tell my story of real life...... and the real life about this new job and this move and this adventure is that while i'm blessed to have it and while it is amazing and once in a lifetime...

right now it hurts.

you wouldn't believe the thoughts that came spiraling into my head and pouring into my heart when i knew i couldn't afford to make this home for me and the pupsqueak.

is this the right move?

how will i give us a good life?

how could (ex) manfriend just leave us? because if we were together this loneliness and fear certainly wouldn't be there. not to mention we could have afforded the damn apartment.

there is a sorrowful peace in my heart now that i've made the decision that i feel may stay here for awhile. if you're wondering, i chose the little dated one in the amazing community. because i thought of mornings with my best friend walking those trails together. i saw a dog park for him and a lake he could see. i found a starbucks this morning ten minutes from it before i applied for it, where they sang "hi ho" while they made my coffee. and i found a little downtown ten minutes away with a farmer's market every saturday that is pet friendly and has two wine bars. (obvi).

and i thought, yeah, scoobert cunningham and i might be able to make this home. 

it is hard to leave comfort behind for the new and the scary. it is hard to feel lost and alone. it is hard to feel like i may fail. but not trying would be the true failure i think.

so many thanks to the friends that rallied around me this trip so i wouldn't have to make it alone. they took days off from work and held my hand when i was scared. it is amazing to see your support system come out, the people who truly care for you, in your times of need.

sarcastic short picture filled posts will return for your amusement. but right now, i hope you like the heart!

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Monday, October 7, 2013

A New Job, A New City, A New Blog Design and a Breakup

hey girl hey.

 first and foremost. do you love my new (fully public and ready to go) blog? because sarah did all this and honestly, tears she has been that great. i've been such a knit picky pain in the rear and she seriously continues to edit and work and love me. book her. now.

secondly. oh hey. why was i so weird? why did i take my blog private for awhile? why? well...

that time...

i got a job with the walt disney company and i'm moving to the happiest place on earth in 3 weeks.

no joke.

i think you all have guessed my love for the mouse and i've been applying for years (it is very hard to get into disney corporate) and then out of the blue this recruiter contacts me and here we are. it doesn't feel real even as i type this. i'll be working in finance over their corporate alliances and me, this girl, gets to make decisions for her favorite company in the world.

i'm scared / nervous / excited / anxious. 

but here it is. a new adventure. life with a new viewfinder. and most importantly, for the first time ever, i get to work for something that i am so passionate about.

i guess there is something else to address and i'll keep it short because the pain is still so raw my insides don't quite handle it well yet.

the pending move to a new town made manfriend realize he didn't want to take us to that level of commitment.

(weird since we lived together, got scooby together and the day before he walked out of our lives we were the happiest two people i could have ever described). 

i'll say this. no one, no one, is worth your time and your love if they can choose to walk out on you without even trying. i'm just now figuring all of that out now.

that being said, i'd like to leave you with a little quote from steve jobs.

"you've got to find what you love. and that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. if you haven't found it yet, keep looking. don't settle. as with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. and, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. so keep looking until you find it. don't settle."

will you follow me on this huge adventure? i hope so.

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