i'm sitting on my comforter eating cajun mac and cheese out of an old tupperware container with a pink baskin robbins ice cream spoon. I'm crying. it's pathetic really.
today they packed up everything i owned and sent it on a van to florida where i'm not even at yet. there was something about watching them pack up my memories here that tore my insides apart because i just felt all of a sudden i didn't get to say goodbye to them.
i felt like i was telling the movers no wait that is when scooby lost his first tooth. no that is where (ex) manfriend and i danced and no those shoes are dirty from that last late night walk we had...
the truth is change isn't easy but it is even worse when you're going into it scared and hurt and feeling like you can't. every day i get up i feel like i'm pep talking myself into this like a coach before a game. drawing plays out in my head to see how i can get the touchdown. it sucks to be making a major life change with no self esteem to do it and it sucks even worse that this major life change was supposed to be so happy and it isn't.
suck it up you're so lucky and blessed and living your dream.
i know, trust me. these words sicken me the most. but they are true and what i'm feeling and i'm not going to lie.
i know one day i'm going to feel like the luckiest happiest girl. i do. and that is why i'm pushing threw with this because i know it right enough that i will feel that way. i worked hard and dreamed and pushed and wouldn't stop until i got what i wanted.
i just got it at a price.
what if that recruiter never called. what if i never called back. would he be here, would i not have to leave my family, would i be carving pumpkins with my family drinking beers and smiling so hard my face hurts? would (ex) manfriend and i be baking christmas cookies and decorating the tree and celebrating our first christmas with our boy and would everything be perfect?
the answer to that is yes dear blog although I appreciate you trying to tell me that it wouldn't be that way.
no the answer is definitely yes that is what would happen and the thought of that while sitting here looking at my baby boy scooby kills me more than you know.
but deep down somewhere now that i know what happened there is that truth that at some point it all would have come crashing down. and for some reason fate, god, something made it now.
i'm trying to see it as a positive and a better way but it's hard. hard to move like this while struggling this bad and at this time of year when you are supposed to be surrounded by friends and family and love. christmas anyone? that's gonna suck.
and so this is my admission that today, as I saw them pack me, i wanted to say stop please and let's rewind and just go back to the world that made sense and was as comfortable as the first pair of leggings you throw on in the fall. stop please because i don't want to do this and i don't want to do this alone.
but i didn't say stop. i signed the paperwork for my delivery next week in florida. and i hugged scooby and i said i hope to god this makes me as strong as people think i am.
see you in florida my dears.