Thursday, October 17, 2013

Beers, Blogging From My Phone and Boxes

hey. i'm sitting here blogging from my phone which isn't easy but my internet is gone and i'm just way too disgusting looking to go to a hipster coffee shop and use their free wifi. i guess I could have waited until tomorrow morning to write this but I'm trying this "in the moment" thing and so here we go.  

i'm sitting on my comforter eating cajun mac and cheese out of an old tupperware container with a pink baskin robbins ice cream spoon. I'm crying. it's pathetic really. 


today they packed up everything i owned and sent it on a van to florida where i'm not even at yet. there was something about watching them pack up my memories here that tore my insides apart because i just felt all of a sudden i didn't get to say goodbye to them. 
 
i felt like i was telling the movers no wait that is when scooby lost his first tooth. no that is where (ex) manfriend and i danced and no those shoes are dirty from that last late night walk we had...  

the truth is change isn't easy but it is even worse when you're going into it scared and hurt and feeling like you can't. every day i get up i feel like i'm pep talking myself into this like a coach before a game. drawing plays out in my head to see how i can get the touchdown. it sucks to be making a major life change with no self esteem to do it and it sucks even worse that this major life change was supposed to be so happy and it isn't. 

suck it up you're so lucky and blessed and living your dream.

i know, trust me. these words sicken me the most. but they are true and what i'm feeling and i'm not going to lie. 

i know one day i'm going to feel like the luckiest happiest girl. i do. and that is why i'm pushing threw with this because i know it right enough that i will feel that way. i worked hard and dreamed and pushed and wouldn't stop until i got what i wanted.

i just got it at a price.

what if that recruiter never called. what if i never called back. would he be here, would i not have to leave my family, would i be carving pumpkins with my family drinking beers and smiling so hard my face hurts? would (ex) manfriend and i be baking christmas cookies and decorating the tree and celebrating our first christmas with our boy and would everything be perfect?  

the answer to that is yes dear blog although I appreciate you trying to tell me that it wouldn't be that way.

no the answer is definitely yes that is what would happen and the thought of that while sitting here looking at my baby boy scooby kills me more than you know.

but deep down somewhere now that i know what happened there is that truth that at some point it all would have come crashing down. and for some reason fate, god, something made it now. 

i'm trying to see it as a positive and a better way but it's hard. hard to move like this while struggling this bad and at this time of year when you are supposed to be surrounded by friends and family and love. christmas anyone? that's gonna suck.

and so this is my admission that today, as I saw them pack me, i wanted to say stop please and let's rewind and just go back to the world that made sense and was as comfortable as the first pair of leggings you throw on in the fall. stop please because i don't want to do this and i don't want to do this alone. 

but i didn't say stop. i signed the paperwork for my delivery next week in florida. and i hugged scooby and i said i hope to god this makes me as strong as people think i am.


see you in florida my dears. 

21 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry your hurting girl :( *hug*. But it will get better and you are strong!

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  2. I think you need to focus on the positive such as the face that you are eating cajun mac and cheese, which I have never even heard of and now need to get in my mouth! seriously though, I am sorry you be sad...I hope you cheer up very soon

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  3. I am so so SO familiar with what you're feeling - it was a long time ago but I was in a similar situation in college. Like you said, you know you will be okay, you know things happen the way they do for a very good reason, but I promise that when you start to feel normal and comfortable that you made the right decision, it will be sooner than you think. One day you will be flabbergasted that you ever wondered what it would be like if you hadn't accepted that job, because life will be so good where you're at. Hang in there!

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  4. Fuck. You ARE so strong and brave, even if you don't feel that way right now. This is quite possibly one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Period. You can get through this, and with time I KNOW you're going to come out stronger and eventually get back to that smile so hard your face falls off feeling. Love ya chick.

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  5. It will be better....and if it helps I'm also eating mac n cheese out of an old tupperware, but I was using a plastic fork.

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  6. Change sucks I agree, once it's done though you're always better in the end. It doesn't seem like it now but someday you'll look back at this time in your life and you'll be thankful for it. You'll know that all this pain and change brought you to the happy place you're on your way to.

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  7. Change is hard. I've been through too many changes and it doesn't always make the experience easier. BUT change is usually for the better and once your life in Florida gets started, I'm sure you'll be as happy as you deserve to be. :)

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  8. It's ok to be sad. Yes you're moving on to bigger and better things (and let's be honest, you've got Scooby, what's more important than that?!) but it's still ok to cry some times. Send me your new address when you move, k?

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  9. Xoxo. It's good to cry so let it all out now. But at some point know he doesn't deserve your tears just like he doesn't deserve you. Thinking of you.

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  10. welp. now I'm crying too. not kidding. you're incredible and i know this is an awful situation and you probably don't want to hear "it will get better, it will be fine" but it will and until then know how much this is going to mean. and keep up the ice cream sharing with scoob.

    it's hard to feel like the memories were being taken from you but you have a fresh start. the memories you will make will be great and you're going to get to the point where you won't miss the old ones or the people from them

    love<3

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  11. I had a similar moment almost exactly a year ago. I had mailed the check to the lawyer, the divorce was filed. The exhubbers was moved out of the apartment. Suddenly it was very empty with just my boxes and my daughter and I. I was scared. I was sad. I KNEW I was doing the right thing for her and I. When my bestie and her man friend arrived that weekend and started carting my things into the moving van, I wanted to hurl. I wanted to take it all back.
    It's been a year, and I haven't regretted it once since then. I wasn't easy. It hasn't been all rainbows. But we are GOOD! You will be too.

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  12. I honestly would have probably chickened out. It's totally ok to feel all these feelings; what matters is that you are still trucking through this. That in itself is a victory. Also, cajun mac n cheese? What?

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  13. It's okay to be sad and a little scared. Change is frigging hard. Things will get better though, you'll see :)

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  14. Reading this brought me back to a rough time in my life. I empathize with what you're going through, and I know people have said but it doesn't hurt to hear it again...it will be alright, Everything happens for a reason, and one day you'll look back and be thankful things happened how they did. =)

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  15. it will get better from here!!!! also can we discus this whole cajun mac and cheese more in depth please?! this is a thing?! i want it.

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  16. don't be so hard on yourself, you are human and it is totally normal to be as hurt and upset as you are. it would be super unhealthy if you stuffed it all down and pretended like everything was ok. spitting this all out and admitting your pain is going to help you in the long run. you are SUPER EFFING BRAVE and when the clouds pass, you will see how strong you really are. I've been there girl, and I never thought I'd crawl out of it. And it's been 4 years and I still get sad that I moved so far away from everything that I ever was comfortable with and my family. If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, do not hesitate to reach out. Seriously! I remember feeling so alone, like I had no one to talk to about all the change and pain. I'd hate for you to feel the same.
    Here for you! Chin up buttercup ;)
    <3

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  17. it'll get better!!! no said change was ever easy otherwise we wouldn't be so resistant to it. the first few months will be tough - away from family and friends - but this is a new chapter in your life! keep your head up and keep smiling :)

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  18. I can't imagine the pain of leaving a relationship that was awesome for a new chapter in your life doing what you want to do for a company you love. The ups and downs must be exhausting. But yes, things do get better and you'll be even more amazing in your new adventure!

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  19. i took a leap of faith and packed up my life last May...and it was hard, scary, nerve racking and I cried over mac and cheese ALOT. But coming from "the other side" all these months later, I just felt compelled to tell you it DOES get better and you'll look back on this and think it was a million years ago!! Chin up! Go get your dreams! :)

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